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| Author | Topic: Chaos in the Pike Place team press conference |
| Jimbo Lambo |
posted 1/20/04 5:40 PM
A few days after a 17-0 loss to defending champ West Hollywood, Coach Lambo and some of his players held a press conference. There was a lot of commotion in the audience. Pike Place fans are a bit pissed off that the team is 0-3 and is ranked last in the league in the B.S. "Hey, there's a reason why that's called B.S." said Lambo. "I also need to point something out. Despite facing three of the best coaches in the league, we are 3rd in the league in total rushing yards allowed, and have given up a league-leading 2.6 yards per carry (tied with Matewan). The team is 4th in the league in total yards allowed. This is all despite an inept offense that is 10th in the league in total offense, and constantly gives the ball back to its opponent. This is despite a defense that is constantly on the field, being asked to stop the other team from scoring. This is despite the fact that we've faced the league's #1 offense, the league's #3 passing offense, and the league's #4 rushing offense all in the past three weeks. And my team in the NSFL..." "Hey, Lambo, will you stop talking about defense for once, and pay some more attention to the offense?", interrupted OL Hava Hewjass. "Just a sec, Hava. Anyway, like I was saying, we also have a similar thing going on in the NSFL. We're in the top third of the league in a number of defensive categories but in the bottom third in some offensive categories. You see, we like to run an 8-man front..." "SHUT UP ABOUT DEFENSE, LAMBO!" cried OL Mai Bigind. Lambo has lately been accused of paying more attention to his NSFL team, the Rainier Sasquatch. Rainier is 8-4, competing for the 6th playoff seed with the 8-4 Cape Fear Demons. Rainier has been a hot team, going 7-1 after starting off 0-2 (Lambo took over the team at 1-1). "I'm giving equal attention to both teams," said Lambo. "Hey, Coach, you got a moment?" asked Pike Place tight end Snug Dierrere. "I need some help with my pass routes." "Sorry, Snug, I'm on the phone with Rainier WR Olaf Robertson. Maybe tomorrow, OK?" While Seattle fans are excited about the playoff potential of Rainier, they're asking that Lambo step down from his Pike Place coaching position. They think that Lambo can't win in the WFFL. In the Seattle papers, fans are saying that Lambo is way too focused on defense to the point that his offense suffers. It's known that Lambo will spend hours designing defenses while not putting nearly as much time into designing offense. "Hey, I'm working on the offense," said Lambo. "We simply don't stretch the field enough. Teams are focusing on our short passing attack and running game because they're not worried about the deep ball. Once we get teams to defend all parts of the field, things will be different." The press conference turned to chaos as the teams' frustrations started to let loose. Lambo, hyped up on a Starbuck's mocha with a triple shot of espresso, was furious with his offense. "You just got SHUT OUT by a bunch of GAY MEN!" yelled Lambo. "Well, if you spent as much time with the offense as you do with the defense, maybe we wouldn't have so many offensive problems!" yelled Pike Place OL Pat Mailard. "Whine, whine, whine, you lardass," yelled Lambo. "You sound like my girlfriend. 'You don't spend enough time with me!' Whine, whine, whine. You're all a bunch of FAIRIES!" yelled Lambo. "No I'm not!" said middle linebacker Ron Fairy. "My name is Ron FAIRLY. All the Seattle Mariner fans know that!" "I'm sorry, but the way you call Mariner games on the radio, you're a fairy!" shot back Lambo. "Well, if the defensive line stopped kissing ass to Lambo all the time, maybe we'd get somewhere," snickered backup center Ador Passerhands. "Oh, blow me," said Pike Place DE Heywood Jablomey. Lambo and his team better get the conflict straightened out before the next set of games. Interestingly, this week, Lambo has to play TWO games against Larry Cook and his West Coast Wildcats...one in the NSFL and one in the WFFL. Lambo is 1-0 over Cook with a 30-13 win over West Coast earlier this season in the NSFL. "This is a different league," said Lambo, "and coach Cook is looking to avenge his earlier loss. I think he would love nothing more than to not only knock us out of the playoff race in the NSFL, but also put us at 0-4 in the WFFL." |
| Jimbo Lambo |
posted 1/20/04 5:45 PM
Lambo was asked to comment on the Idiot rating Pike Place as last in the league. "I think the guy's name speaks for itself," said Lambo. |
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