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| Author | Topic: getting back up |
| Leigha |
posted 11/2/06 5:05 AM
I am new and I don't want to be on here. It's like admitting to myself that this is permanent. I'm a healthcare provider and I'm supposed to help people like you, so I bluffed and forced myself to relearn how to learn and restore a life. I gained confidence, but really, I didn't have a choice. Where the hell was the "I give up or I'm exhaused" line? I never found it, so I persevered. My children were frightened to know that Mommy can't find our way home - or were we going out? My husband dissapeared into a bottle and I moved the children and I to a small island where we can't get lost, so long as I don't cross a bridge. Life was good. Better than good. I survived and was inspiring to others and sometimes, even myself. I worked three jobs and went to school again. My immunity was never better. I worked hard to read and speak. I can now watch movies and understand them. The greatest loss was not understanding a joke, but I can now. this all made me feel that I wasnt permanently damaged, but my body decieved me. I was previously injured by an anesthesiologist's emergency spinal that left me unable to speak well, and the headaches felt like a sledgehammer. The mistake made me a piriah because no one would see me to recover, except the team neurologist who said it's common and I'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I couldnt remember who I was. The affects were slow and outrageous. I somehow got through all that. The headaches persisted and no one could give an answer when they would go away. This was 6 years ago. I had another headache the other day and decided that I really can't take another round of excedrine, or caffiene pills, and nothing really worked. I had no idea what those headaches were meaning all along. To begin with, I had a swollen brain and 'very large horns' whatever that is. (odd terminology for such a location, I think ;) They wanted CSF and the pressure was very high. I admitted that I had had a previous injury to the subarachnoid space during a spinal and they didn't want the spinal after that, they went ahead and treated me for bacterial meningistis. I felt better after the third day. I am back on caffiene pills, confused all the time, cant stop crying and need further care for hydrocephalus that I apparently got from the meningitis. I just got out of the hospital and cant get an appointment to see the Neurologist for another month. I have so many questions and am overwhelmed. I dont remember any of the last week or the Dr.'s. I pushed to go back to work. I wonder if my care for clients will be affected. I worry that I may still be carrying a contageous germ in my body that will spring up again. I dont feel confident now. I'm not invincable and energetic. I'm at a hill, and I fear it's bigger than I can handle alone. I don't want my children to lose me this young or feel burdened by my care, if needed. And I wanted to go to school again, to continue my education in Holistic medicine. I am so far out of my element now, my head is spinning, and still hurting. Perhaps my ego is dying a painful death, but I'll gladly give up any personal dreams if only to know the truth and not be ignored because I was an injury. Oh, I never sued. It was all I could do to survive, much less make appointments to sue someone. I am lucky. I am VERY LUCKY. but yet, I can't stop crying. |
| Lisa |
posted 4/1/07 2:10 AM
I wish I had a solution for you, but at least I can tell you my heart goes out to you and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. |
| Lisa |
posted 4/1/07 2:10 AM
[This message has been edited on 04/01/2007] |
| dorene |
posted 1/13/10 0:56 AM
I just want you to know that I suffered headaches every single day for months after my head injury. After I tired of the mind altering drugs and refused to do them any more I tried biofeedback and was amazed at how great it felt to relax and take control of how I felt instead of taking another percription that only mascueraded the problem. One thing I learned is that the medical profession was all about drugs that only made it better for awhile but never made it go away until I learned biofeedback and how to relax and control the uncontrollable me. I found that I could even relax my way back to remembering some of what I lost. Don't give up on yourself. You are all you have so try learning how "you" can be in charge of the problem. Start just relaxing and being more you and less of the head injury. Keep great notes and allow paper to be your memory. You will be amazed. God kept you here for a reason. Love your kids with your whole heart and allow them to love you with their whole heart. You don't have tobe quite so tough. I am certain the kids love you just the way you are. It's been 26 years since that fateful snowy day and this is the first time I have ever admitted that it is time to find others who can relate to how I feel so don't be too hard on yourself. We all need someone who understands. God Bless You |
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